Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Marriage: Rules of Engagement

December 8, 2011 by jasynjonz

So, finally, the last official blog thought on marriage from me. Not that I don’t have more thoughts on marriage but I’m really tired of blogging about it and I want to move on. There is one more thing I have noticed about marriage and I want to talk about it.

I have been taught, and I have taught that the three things that most marriages break up over are sex, finances, and children. I could blog on those things but I think there is a simple answer to solving those problems: communication. Okay, okay, you’ve heard that before, “communication, blah, blah, share, blah, blah.” But let’s get more specific.

Most folks don’t have trouble communicating about things that we are cool with. I mean, really, if you like something it’s easy to talk about! If it’s not, go see a therapist, honestly, God made people as social beings and we are supposed to communicate with each other; if you can’t, something’s broken, go see the mechanic. But for the rest of us? If you like your spouse’s way with the kids you tell them, it should be easy. If you are happy with money, there’s no problem. If you’re happy with your sex life in marriage, you’re rare, but odds are good your pillow talk is rife with gratitude and, ahem, encouragement. But if we are unhappy in any of these areas, or any other areas, we either fail to communicate or fail to communicate properly. It’s in the disagreements and injured feelings that our marriages founder.

We either wait and wait and hope it will get better and what actually happens is not ‘better,’ it’s ‘bitter.’ We find ourselves growing frustrated, angry and resentful. Or we nag or whine constantly trying to make our point without contention; sometimes even publicly, which is a bad, bad idea.  At some point, however, disagreement is not only inevitable but also necessary. Nothing grows without tension. But then we don’t know how to disagree and so we fight.

The problems with fighting are manifold.  First, most of us at this point are actually not very interested in resolving the problem, we’re interested in winning. This accomplishes nothing. Second, many of us get very angry or are  very angry to begin with and so we fight to injure  not to resolve. Third, when you get overly impassioned in an argument, you tend to get stupid. Don’t ask me how it works exactly but it’s true, raging people look and act stupid, and then the other person laughs, and then, well, it isn’t pretty. Fourth, we tend to bring up things from the past when we fight. Now you may think you are justified, but you’re not. Again, not loving, let it go

Now from a Jesus viewpoint, none of those things is right. We don’t resolve our issues with power (winning) we resolve them with sacrifice and compromise. We don’t rage (act of the sinful nature) precisely because you can’t rage and love at the same time; love doesn’t seek injury, rage does.; and scripture tells us that man’s wrath doesn’t bring the life God desires for us. Plus, you can’t resolve anything if you keep saying stupid things because you are out of control.

Now, before we go any further, let’s get rid of a myth. No one makes you do anything. No one makes you so angry you lose it, that’s your choice. Argue with me, rail against me, do what you will but managing your anger is your responsibility.  Rage is not some right you have, it’s wrong and useless, so make the choice. If you have anger issues, get out of your excuses and justifications and get to work.

As far as marriage goes, all you must do if you don’t know how to disagree is learn. Make a set of rules, together, your rules of engagement, and discipline yourselves to stick to them.   Everything in our marriages that works correctly has rules, fighting should be no exception. Shoot, even the international community has rules for warfare, why shouldn’t you?  So, let me propose a set of guidelines as an example.

If you don’t like it…..

1. Talk about it early, immediately if possible.  Sometimes you need a second to collect your thoughts, but not days, grow up. Scripture says to not let the sun go down on your anger. The couples I know who practice this have a few more sleepless nights, it’s true, but they’re happier, and not all of those sleepless nights are about arguments. ;)

2. Talk slow. Think. Choose your words carefully, if you hurt your partner, you’ve lost. Even if they agree with you, it will always carry the sting of injury.  Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but we must take responsibility for our own words. It’s not writing, edit as you go, you won’t get a chance to fix it later.

3. Listen.  Okay, here’s where it breaks down most of the time. Stop and listen to the words being spoken to you. It’s loving and so it’s right. And it brings you closer to resolution.  If you don’t listen you will soon find yourself in a fistfight.

4. Choose your venue. There’s plenty of times and places you can’t have the conversation: when the kids are up, in bed, right after work, while watching t.v., in public.  Sit at the table and make the conversation the goal.  Here’s an idea! Why don’t you have a regularly scheduled state of the relationship meeting? Then you already have the venue!

5. De-escalate.  In theater, you always listen to the other speakers and pay attention to their level of volume and intensity. Then you match and take it the direction the script calls for. In an uncomfortable conversation, take it upon yourself to control the tone. If your partner ups the ante in volume or intensity, you dial it back a notch. It will bring them back down or at least slow the escalation. Remember, the point is to resolve, not to win.  And on that note…

6. Don’t forget to lose.  Figure out exactly what you want and where you can compromise or give up.  Lose to win.  I know it’s not what you want, but let’s move towards resolution and restoration.

7. Forgive. This is important: LET IT GO! After it’s done, its’ done. If you dwell on it, it will make you bitter and come back to haunt you both.

Just my thoughts, of course, you make rules that fit your relationship. Oh, and one more thing, this works in all of our relationships. Learn to disagree and discuss. When somethings not right, too often we let it go until it destroys our relationships. Scripture says to work it out.  And don’t cop out on this, talk face to face, email and texting are no substitute.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

Marriage: Truth and Consequences

November 9, 2011 by jasynjonz

There will only be one more marriage post after this I believe, so……

Let’s get even more controversial, shall we?

True intimacy in marriage requires a level of transparency that most of us aren’t ready for.  When we juxtapose that need for radical honesty with the need to love each other completely,treat each other lovingly, and raise up our partner to be the best person they can be it can be a difficult trick.  Particularly when combined with the fact that most of us are trained liars from birth; our culture demands it, our shame demands it. We even lie, frequently, to ourselves and yet we demand honesty from our mate.

Transparency and radical honesty are tricky even without the complication of matrimony. Until recently our church model, what we call the Seven Cylinder Engine, contained a point that called for transparency on every level of the church, which sounded really good in theory. I won’t teach something without trying to do it, however, and I discovered something about the nature of truth, something J.K. Rowling discovered before me:

“The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should be treated with caution.”

-J.K. Rowling-

In Ephesians 4:15, the Apostle Paul says we are to “speak the truth in love.” I think that Rowling’s quote above reflects this idea.  Truth is important, very important, but in the Christian faith it is not the prime ethic, love is. So when we talk about truth it is always ‘in love’ that is, within the greater context of our prime ethic, to love God and to love others as much as we love ourselves.

Okay, quick disclaimer, I believe there are subtle differences between the terms ‘lie’ and ‘withhold’ and even ‘dishonesty.’  Take the idea of fiction for example: If all things that are not true are lies, then all fiction is a lie. Jesus’ parables were fictions, untrue stories that taught Truth. Jesus, for years during His ministry, told people not to announce He was the Messiah. He told them not to spread around how He had healed them. The very idea of the incarnation carries an element of ‘dishonesty’ with it.  Sure, He was completely man, but He was also completely God. Shouldn’t you be required to warn people? I mean, no wonder the Pharisees never could win an argument, they thought they were matching wits and wisdom with an itinerant rabbi/carpenter from deep in the backwoods. God? That’s not fair!

The other end of that is also ludicrous. We are not supposed to be liars in the Kingdom. Don’t read my words above as a cop-out on lying and truth, nothing changes who we are supposed to be. Satan is the father of all lies according to Christ, and we are not to emulate him.  That right there says that ‘lie’ means something different from simply ‘not true’ or ‘not fact.’ To lie is to sin. A lie is an intentional deception meant to cause harm, shift blame or inflate our image in our eyes or the eyes of others, things which are also sins. So we need to come to an understanding about what a lie is.

We also need to understand what it means to “tell the truth.” Many times what we call ‘telling the truth’ is just a cover up for something else, a lie disguised as a truth. “I want you to tell me the truth,” can be a lie that means, “I want to have control over the relationship.” “I’m going to tell you the truth,” can be a lie that means, “I need to assuage my guilt at your expense,” or “I’m going to tell you what I think even if it doesn’t matter and hurts you deeply.” You will note that, despite the lack of dishonesty that may follow, the heart of the action is still sin.

Even when I teach the Bible, I am careful how I handle the Word of Truth.  Not everyone is ready for everything that God has for them. When Paul talks about not teaching the deep things, the ‘solid food’ of the truth because his audience was too immature, that’s what he meant. He withheld some teaching because they needed him to. Also the Bible can be twisted to manipulate truth just like in the previous paragraph.

So, transparency doesn’t work. It disallows the filter of love or any use of boundaries in our lives, and filters and boundaries are necessary. From a Christian standpoint, boundaries have one important use, to protect other people from ourselves. (I know it can be argued the other way as well, but as we are to think of others first, our self protection is not the goal of a Christian, so the protection that boundaries afford is an added blessing but cannot ever be our goal. That way lies sin.) The correct terms for a Christian would be authenticity and integrity.  But I am supposed to be writing about marriage so let us return to our context.

I need to be as open and authentic and intimate and honest as I can be with my spouse, but that is always filtered by love. I cannot allow myself to just spout whatever is in my brain in an unloving way. Sometimes I do spout, despite my best efforts, then I need to apologize and seek reconciliation and healing, even if I think I was in the right and telling the truth.  Let me approach this from the viewpoint of my own marriage.

My wife Karin is one of the Godliest women I have ever known. She loves and trusts God in some ways that border on crazy in my book. She’s right, of course, I’m just jealous of her faith.  I can tell her anything; believe me, it’s the truth, she can handle it, because she believes that it’s God job to keep us together and she relies on Him rather than me.  When she started praying for me years ago instead of just taking the easy route of complaining about my shortcomings to myself and all who would listen, it changed both of our lives.  She actually chose truth over telling me off with truth.

I don’t choose to tell her everything I could. I tell her what is needed to keep my thought life in line and help her help me. I speak to my wife to love her and build up our relationship. Our goal is to make our marriage work as it’s supposed to. Remember the goals of marriage? Community, edification, children, sexual fulfillment, just to name the ones I’ve blogged about; and all of these are within the marriage which is aimed by God at some purpose that He reveals to us along the way.   These are my goals and none of them is met by unnecessarily injuring my wife’s heart. That being said, I tell Karin almost everything that goes on in my head. I won’t divulge that here, boundaries remember? If you want more detail, you can contact me here

and we can discuss it privately.   My point is this, I can tell Karin almost anything because she is spiritually and emotionally mature enough to handle the truth.  My boundaries with her are expanded significantly, not because she’s my wife, leave off your romantic notions here, but because she is my mature, strong, helpful and most of all, loving partner.

Always try to tell the truth, there are always consequences when you don’t. But always, always do your best to love each other and put the other persons needs before your own. If your spouse needs to know everything then tell them as much as you can, you are still responsible to God not your spouse. If they don’t want the truth and are hiding and it’s hurting them, tell the truth as much as you can, help them heal, but always put love first.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

Love and Respect

October 13, 2011 by jasynjonz

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.-Paul’s Letter to the Church at Ephesus, 5:33

I am not going to talk about submission in Ephesians 5. It is an abused and willfully misunderstood concept and not nearly the most important part of the chapter as it relates to marriage; this verse, Ephesians 5:33, is the most telling and practical advice on marriage in the entire Bible. It is centered on two truths about men and women.  Men need to be respected and women need to be loved.

Now, that’s a generalization, but one that tends to prove itself out with observation.  And before I go any further with it, women also need and deserve respect and men need and deserve love, but that’s not what Paul is driving at, and he’s not necessarily talking about what we want, he’s talking about what drives us.  ‘Experts’ used to say that women needed security and that men needed to provide, but that’s simply not the whole truth, it’s a reflection of what is.  Plenty of women are perfectly willing to live with lack of financial security and risks if they are partnered up with a man who loves them. Thinking about the truth in Bon Jovi’s old song, “Living On a Prayer.” Enjoy the hair.

If women crave security, it’s the security of being loved.

And men don’t actually care about providing, they care about being good at it.  Men like to accomplish things and earn respect, and it starts early. Why do so many boys play video games for so long? A man will risk everything on a small business venture because he wants to build something, something that will bring him respect; self-respect first, and then his wife’s.

At this point, far too many folks I know start complaining about their part in this concept. “Why do I need to bolster his stupid, male ego?” “Why should I try to make her feel loved all the time? Isn’t taking care of her and being present enough? That’s just needy nonsense!” But we forget that we as Christians live under a different base ethic.  We are to love each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. Nix that. We need to treat each other as THEY want to be treated, because that’s how WE want to be treated.  The key to the love and respect aspect of marriage is just this, treat your partner as they need/want to be treated. To behave lovingly to a woman is to make sure she knows you love her. To behave lovingly to a man is to make sure he knows you trust him and his decisions (respect).  A few simple suggestions follow.

1. Husbands, find out what makes your wife tick. How will she know you love her?Is it flowers? Hugs? Poems? Chores? Then do it, don’t complain, don’t selfishly expect a ‘return’ on your investment, just do it. Not letting your wife know that you love her can cost you everything. Listen to some country music and understand what I mean.

2. Wives, encourage and be sincere, false encouragement is worse than none. Look for what he does well and tell him. Don’t take anything for granted and compliment his work ESPECIALLY in areas  where he is not confident, like with the kids. Just try it and see what happens.

3. Husbands, stand up for your wife, compliment her in public, talk about how awesome she is and how lucky you are even when she is there. Be sincere in this, if you need to remind yourself of how blessed you are, do it. Especially to the kids, make sure they know that she is the apple of your eye and if they treat her badly, defend her. She feels loved and the kids learn something.

4. Wives: suggest, and be careful how you do it, ways he can improve at different things. Partner and help him get better in areas he wants to be better at and things he needs to be better at. Be careful, consistent criticism will cost you his love.

There’s a lot more I could say, but that’s a start.

The best books I can recommend are by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. They do great research and the books are funny and readable. The first two are, “For Women Only,” and, “For Men Only.” They wrote several others as well.

Also, John Eldredge has two books, one about men, “Wild at Heart” and one about women, “Captivating,” written with his wife, Stasi.  They are quite good, but not specifically dealing with marriage, just gender and, in my opinion, a bit speculative.

Also, “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs which I found full of practical advice but seemed to emphasize the woman giving respect to get love which I found unbalanced and not fully within our central ethic.

Anyway, love each other, submit to each other and treat each other as you want to be treated. Husbands, let her know how much you love her. Wives, let him know how capable you think he is, how proud you are to be his partner.  This is the best.

The two paintings are by Pre-Raphaelite artist, Edmund Blair-Leighton.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

Marriage, Making it Work: The Basic Building Block

October 12, 2011 by jasynjonz

First of all, allow me to apologize for the long hiatus.  I occasionally get my feet tangled up spiritually and my writing discipline is the first thing to fall apart. I think my head is back together now, and I know my heart is so, pressing on.  I just have a few more posts on marriage and then we will be off to another subject.

Now remember, I am talking specifically about a Christian viewpoint on marriage so I will still be building on that ethical system. I believe that it is a good system, even the best, and that anyone should be able to approximate these concepts even if they are not yet inclined towards a life in Christ. 

There is a single base ethic in Christianity and therefore, a single base ethic in Christian marriage. It is love.

The problem is about how we define love.  I don’t mean ‘in love’ in the classic sense. If you enter into marriage thinking that the giddy ‘in love’ thing will carry you, you are most likely mistaken.  I know very few people who have managed to make that initial stage of  googly eyes and dewy, honey-dipped sweetness last for longer than a few years. The fact is that what we think of as being ‘in love’ is largely about fascination, hormones and emotions. It’s generally selfish (about how I feel) and temporary. Uh oh, I hear some of you romantics getting edgy. Calm down, I’m a romantic myself. For most people, however, that kind of love is not enough by itself to sustain us through the tribulations of a lifetime together.  When a husband or wife looks at their partner of 10 plus years and says, “I don’t love you, anymore” we shake our heads in disbelief. But what’s happened is that the wrong kind of love was the basis of their relationship, and it faded, because it does.

Look, one of the greatest disconnects in my marriage is what Karin and I call the Gomez-Herman factor. When we were kids we both watched our share of old sitcoms from the sixities. There were two that were similar yet distinctly different from each other. The Addams Family, and The Munsters.  Now I am an Addams man and my wife loved the Munsters.  You may think this is nothing but consider the effect on our viewpoints of marriage. I like Gomez and Morticia. I dig the way Morticia just says a word and Gomez is in full pursuit. I love the highly romantic theatrical quality of it.  Karin, on the other hand, loves the more down to earth relationship of Herman and Lily. She likes the domestic bliss that they live in and the simple ways they keep love alive. She really like the way Lily adores Herman just the way he is, and protects him, and finds him so funny.  Okay, do you see the problem?  I come in from a day at work and see my beautiful wife in the kitchen and I’m thinking, “Cara Mia!”

She sees me coming home and is thinking….

Major disconnect!

But that’s okay because in the end that’s not what makes a marriage.  The house paint is not the home. And, because it’s house paint, it can be applied as necessary! Romance is awesome, but it’s false and that’s good because it can be reproduced as necessary.  Love is real and must be chosen every day.

See, the Bible makes it clear that love is about sacrifice and putting the other person first. Marriage, as we have already ascertained, only works really well when you place your spouse ahead of yourself  in your heart and mind.  If you’re looking to marry, you should find someone you want to give yourself for. 

This kind of love, that we choose to think and act upon rather than fall into, is the divine, unconditional love that the Greeks called Agape.  It is the basic ethic of Christianity. It tells us to speak the truth in love. It is presupposed by the Golden Rule. It turns the other cheek and walks the extra mile. It is different in every situation, not because it is a situational ethic, but because it is an ethic that adapts and holds an answer for every situation. It is the summation of the Word of God and the heart of the Gospel.  The first thing you must do to make your marriage work is to choose to love your partner with a real and unconditional love.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments »

Marriage: The One?

September 15, 2011 by jasynjonz

Love at First Sight-Arthur John Elsley

I probably would’ve started with this, but I really wanted to write the piece on effort and commitment first.  One of the things that we teach our children culturally about romance and marriage is that there is this ‘one’ out there who is perfect for you. The one. Many Christians believe it based on the idea that God has a perfect will for your life, more on that in a bit.  I have only been married once, to my wife Karin and we’ve been married for 22 years. It would be easy for me to say that she’s ‘the one’ and that I chose wisely while all of you people struggling with marital issues obviously weren’t listening to God; easy but wrong.

First of all, God’s complete will for our lives is a mystery. He doesn’t tell us where we will be in ten years or ten days or even ten minutes. Oh sometimes we get to see the road, but mostly? He remains silent on the long-term issue of our destiny. Why? Because He wants us to live by faith in Him. Also God, if you accept this concept at all, is eternal; outside of time. God has no beginning and no ending, no yesterday and no tomorrow except as it relates to our understanding. For God, it’s always right now.  When He does things He does them at exactly the right time, but He is not subject to that concept. The ‘fullness of time’ and ‘in His time’ are words the Spirit uses to ease our understanding. God see’s the big picture all at once, right now, so He’s not experiencing things with our timetable. With Him it’s not about when something happens, it’s about whether or not the right thing happens and for us, time is part of that equation. It also explains why the Spirit will lead us a certain direction and then suddenly seem to change His mind, happens in scripture as well, God lives outside of past and present so yesterday has no bearing on Him, but that’s another blog subject.

Back to marriage. Some of you might argue that the romantic ideal of a destined partner brings beauty and nobility to marriage. Maybe it does, I’m not sure. I think there may be a better way, one more in tune with the truth about yesterday, today and tomorrow. We celebrate yearly anniversaries of our marriages, that’s not a bad thing. I have pictures and videos and wonderful memories of that day! I loved it! But now? In reality that day is a memory, a shadow of an event. It no longer exists. Does that concept invade your thinking? Upset your apple cart?  The past is lost to us, we live today.

But some would say that the past is important! It is a reminder of the commitment we made. Well, that’s true, but consider: We made a commitment to each other 22 years ago! I think it’s awesome that couples hang on to those commitments for 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years or more, but commitment doesn’t keep you warm on cold nights. Commitment doesn’t stand by you in crisis! Commitment doesn’t help you raise kids and give you something to work for. Those beautiful vows are in the past and don’t exist in the now.  (Keep reading, I’ll draw this together in a cool way, I promise, right now anyway…)

In the same way, the future doesn’t exist! It is not promised us in any way! Oh, I know that God has promised to take care of us, and I trust Him, but I trust Him to be true to His nature and purpose in me. I surrendered my will to Him so tomorrow is a huge mystery! That includes my marriage. I think it will be awesome to grow old with Karin watching our children make their way into the world, expectantly waiting for Grandkids to spoil. But I have no guarantees! God has His plans and my life is subject to His will. (If you are reading this and are not a disciple of Jesus, insert fate, chance, circumstance what have you. It’s a poor reflection but leads to the same existential conclusion on this subject.)

I only have today.  Have I mentioned that despite all of these things I have written I am a hopeless romantic? Here’s why I can say that and not have to accept the ‘one perfect person for me’ theory.  I made those vows on June 2, 1989 to be with my wife until death did us part. That was a long time ago. The truth about marriage is that I have to choose to be Karin’s husband every day, right now.  If she’s just who I’m stuck with, whom I committed to, who holds the contracts on my life, that’s sad and pathetic. But if I look at every day of my marriage as a choice to be married to her every day. every moment, that changes everything. Now I’m not relying on cultural standards and legalistic jargon to live my covenant, I’m relying on the most potent thing God gave me, free will. He gave us free will so we could choose to love Him and each other. Love is impossible without it. I choose to love. I choose to be my wife’s husband. I choose to raise my family. Not chose, no, those days are gone, but choose, right now. and now. and now.  How beautiful is that?

Married folks, tomorrow morning when you first look at your spouse, lying asleep or preparing for the day, choose. Say, “I choose you today,” because that’s what counts and that’s what brings beauty to marriage. Is today better or worse? I choose. I do. Is today in sickness or health? I choose. I do.  Am I angry? Do I need to forgive? I choose. I do.  This is why we have to say, “I love you,” so much, yesterdays words are just so much air. Tomorrows words are unsaid.

Single folks, consider the journey before you begin. Every day you must be ready to renew your vows. Every day of the journey you will have to look at that person and love them for who they are right now.

Of course, these concepts aren’t reserved for marriage. It fits with every commitment and responsibility in my life. I choose to be mother or father or brother or sister. We choose to love and be committed every day, every moment. The ‘one’ is every person in every circumstance that God has given you to love towards Him.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Marriage: The Two-Hundred Percent Solution

September 14, 2011 by jasynjonz

Now that we have a working definition, let’s move on to being and staying married.

First of all, marriage is built on commitment. In the case of Christian Disciples, that commitment first belongs to God and His Kingdom (rule or purpose if you prefer).  Then the commitment to each other and the ‘enterprise’ of becoming a family comes in second and third. Of course, for those who are married outside of the faith, only the second and third commitments remain. Putting the supernatural aside, from a purely practical standpoint, the Disciples should have some advantage in that they are committed to an ideal and an ethic, not just a human relationship.  However, for that to actually have an effect, your commitment to the spiritual must be built on faith and action, hence the failure of so many marriages within the church.  The truth is, however, our expected commitment as followers of Christ runs before marriage, it is expected of all believers, so I won’t spend more time on it here.

The commitment to each other and to the marriage and family itself we do want to get into.  It is commonly believed that marriage is about compromise and while compromise is part of the equation it carries with it a 50-50 concept of partnership that just won’t work.  Marriage is not capitalism, it is not driven to better performance by selfishness. The concept of compromise means that you are giving and getting but not getting what you want all the time and there is an expectation of the other person pulling their weight.  In a compromising, contractual relationship you broker deals to get what you want but seldom get exactly what you want.  It has been said that compromise makes no one happy. And the truth is? At some point in a marriage one of the partners will not be pulling their weight! This is not an answer for a permanent marriage.

The answer is in a covenant based, sacrificial relationship; that is a marriage based on giving yourself away for your partner with no expectation of reciprocation or ending the relationship if the contract is broken.

Now I can already hear some of you shouting me down in your own minds. Calm down. There are legitimate reasons for ending a marriage but I’m not going to talk about those here and I believe they are very few. I will talk about them in a later post.

Sacrificial giving of yourself is the answer. Many of you have heard this before but I  thought it would bear repeating. The fifty-fifty split in a compromise based relationship doesn’t achieve much in a long-term relationship. Bargaining and contracts can keep a wounded marriage alive but only for a short time. The correct split in marriage is 100-100; two people giving everything to the other person, actually living out Christ’s rule of thumb for relationships, what we call the Golden Rule:

  27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.-The Gospel of Luke 6:27-31

Now let’s do some spiritual math! Two-Hundred Percent is the goal. It is the necessary total to make a marriage work long-term. The closer you are to that number, the better your chances. One-Hundred Percent is the number for normal human endeavors, but good marriage is a miracle and requires miraculous effort.  Sometimes one person committed one hundred percent to the marriage can hold it together for a long time without help from the other side, but for it to be a real, solid, miraculous marriage? Two-hundred is the magic number.

If one of you is down or broken or ill, the other partner gives One-Hundred Percent or more and pulls you through! No one expects us to be perfect so sometimes we carry our partner with our sacrifice until they can regain their balance and strength.  We are never disappointed (ideally) and never take anything for granted because when we live sacrificially for another we have no expectations.  Every service and gift becomes a surprise and a delight! Every failure becomes just another challenge to love through! Not live, LOVE! And when we eliminate our escape clauses we learn to make it work with what we have. This principle will hold us up in all aspects of marriage. I give, expecting nothing, I receive with gratitude because I expected nothing. I choose to love my spouse no matter the circumstance.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment »

Marriage, A Definition, pt. 4

September 9, 2011 by jasynjonz

So sorry for the long delay. Many crazy things happening in my life and ministry and well, this could be a fairly controversial post. I wanted to get it right. Feel free to comment. And so………..

 

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs[a] and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib[b] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. -Genesis 2:21-25 NIV

No definition of marriage would be complete or accurate without a discussion of the concept of becoming one flesh.  This a seemingly simple statement that is wrapped around an enigma. Most of us would agree that there is a mingling of the human spirit that occurs within marriage which implies a strict, spiritual interpretation. Honestly, it appeals to me on many levels because of my romantically addicted heart. I have ever wanted to spiritualize marriage and make it this high and holy thing; and it is,  but maybe not in the way we think it is.

We are to partner and grow close and act as one unit, being, family. We never lose our individuality, however. If the point of marriage was to eliminate the two individuals in favor of the ‘one flesh’ it would be ridiculous, I mean, I was already an individual.  Or perhaps it means that single people who are called to be married are weaker because they are somehow ‘incomplete’ without a mate. Again, my romantic soul finds that appealing: “You complete me.” But I know too many single folks who are strong, wise and together.

This presents a lot of problems. If we are one, and one of us is a Christian, are both of us now redeemed? Some would say this verse says that but does it? That flies in the face of individual choice and responsibility.  And if we became one spiritually, are we then joined in Heaven?  Maybe that’s why no one is actually married in Heaven, we are already one person. Difficult to answer and impossible to produce.

What if the answer is much simpler? What if we can’t see it because we have some wrong ideas? What if our culture was so messed up in it’s thinking about some part of marriage, like sex for example, that we can’t see straight?  Am I implying that our culture has a problem dealing with sex correctly? Yes, of course I am.

The years that I was a youth minister spanned several different winds of doctrine concerning sex. The first was the ‘just say no’ phase, which accidentally equated pre-marital sex with drug use. Maybe it wasn’t an accident, people can get really stupid. Then came Josh McDowell’s “Why Wait?” campaign which was healthier as it gave kids a list of deterrent concepts and promised better marriage relationships  and sex within those relationships if they would wait. It was good, but not strong enough to overcome teen hormones and the emotionally super-charged closeness of Christian kids who were emulating strong spiritual marriages at 16 and 17. Then came ‘True Love Waits’ a beautiful idea based on spiritual purity, which also led to the anti-dating movement. The problem here was in implementation. You can’t offer a time of public decision for purity and expect that fourteen year old girls with giant manly fathers were going to make a real covenant decision. How could she talk to her Dad later and explain that “she hadn’t decided about purity just yet?” Ridiculous and costly because so many young men and women forswore themselves without thinking and then carried the added guilt of that decision within themselves. “Not only am I a whore, but I am a lying whore!” A sure fire way to chase them out of the church.

The real problem with all these movements was that it left out one very important biblical point. Sex is not a privilege of the married, sex is marriage.

I’ll let you think on that for a moment………….

If you quit over-spiritualizing the language, and leave off with the puritan demonization of sex, and frankly, check your guilt at the door, the two becoming one flesh becomes a lot easier to understand. Now before you get all freaked out, I did not say that marriage was ONLY sex! I could have saved myself several blogposts if that were true. But there is a reason that the act of sex is considered the consummation of the marriage. I plan on writing more about sexuality later but for now it should be enough to say that sex is the only act that involves our body, emotions, and soul and then unites them with another. God took Eve out of Adam and the two long to be rejoined in some way. Genesis acknowledges the marriage of Adam and Eve in the same sentence that it acknowledges them having sex.

The biblical proof that sex co-mingles our spiritual selves is found in this verse about avoiding prostitutes.—Somehow our spiritual nature is shared during sex;  another mystery, but it explains much.  Sex addicts and other folks with a history of multiple partners, monogamous or not, carry a certain amount of mental and emotional burdens that other folks don’t carry. Could it be because of the consistent loss of becoming one with several people and then losing those relationships? We should be teaching our kids not that sex is reserved for marriage, but that it is a defining part of marriage. One flesh indeed.

I realize that some people will feel like I am cheapening marriage with this concept, but the only way this concept can cheapen marriage is if our view of sex is cheap. Mine is not. Sex is a beautiful and amazing gift and a mystery of the spirit. Sex is central to marriage because sex is marriage.

So becoming one is the goal, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, without losing our individuality. Sex is the first and best tool in the tool box for making it happen.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments »

Marriage, A Definition, pt.3

August 26, 2011 by jasynjonz

Well, my kids went back to school this week and turned a normal week into a hectic one with their magical schedule changes! But it’s been fun, exciting, new. For the first time all of our children are in school and watching them grow and try out their new roles, etc. is tremendously uplifting. I love the young men and women they are becoming. They also provided me with a pretty good segue into this portion of the series. One part of the definition of marriage is its place as the foundation for raising children.

The Bible says this about marriage and children:

Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union?And what was the one Godseeking?Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.-Malachi 2:15

There is no question that in the past, marriage was inseparable from child rearing. When Malachi’s prophecy was penned you got married, you had kids; hopefully a lot of kids since they became the laborers in your family’s economic endeavors. Now, we have choices, and with choice has come change.

In the west, the birth rate is in decline. In fact, everywhere in the world where the finances and culture exist to allow contraception, the birth rate is in decline. Fewer and fewer people are opting to have children, and when they do it’s fewer and fewer children. Career choices, financial issues, a dropping marriage rate, a desire for personal freedom and body image/sexual choice issues have combined to make more and more of the folks in our culture decide against large families or having any children at all.

From a Christian viewpoint, original intent matters so if part of God’s plan for and definition of marriage is child rearing, we have to pay attention to that.  That doesn’t mean everyone has to have nine kids like my brother or even four like me, but it does mean that we have to make our choices based on revelation not whim. It does mean that God created marriage, in part, as a foundation for raising children. Godly children carry the light of the gospel into the next generation and reach places we will never go.

This is an interesting conundrum for my brothers and sisters who don’t desire, or don’t feel called to have their own children, but one that can be answered. In a culture where ethical, disciplined, productive adults become more and more scarce; where a growing lower class struggles to even have a chance at a normal life; where more and more children are removed from their homes every year because of abuse, we have a responsibility.

The Letter from James in the New Testament says that true religion is taking care of widows and orphans. We have to remember that not all orphans are alone because of death, not anymore.  There are multiple ways that married, foundational couples can be involved in the lives of children: adoption, fostering, Big Brothers and Big Sisters, the list goes on.  There are plenty of children who live in single parent situations who need to see correct interaction of the genders in a home setting. One couple that are good friends of Karin and I felt led, together, to not have children at all, yet they run a growing educational business that helps kids prep for and have a better chance at college. They are making a difference in the lives of children.

Many of the above truths are applicable to folks outside of my faith.  Plus we have to remember, we have been fortunate (I usually say blessed) to grow up in a good culture. It’s reasonably tolerant and balanced, and the inequities that still claim us, we try to rectify over the course of years. We are a creative, inventive, roughshod, independent people who have made a difference in the world time and again the last two centuries.  Some thought should be given to passing the torch to children we have raised in the spirit of what we believe to be true.  Some of you will think that I’m just throwing off jingoistic nonsense when I say that, but consider: Why does a huge portion of the world hate us and another huge portion want to be us?  We have some burden, responsibility to our society to not only perpetuate it through our children, but also to improve it by their presence….

and, arrogantly of course, to send our own opinions into the future.

That ought to get some response, looking forward to hearing from you.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a Comment »

Marriage: A Definition, pt 2, Washes White

August 18, 2011 by jasynjonz

So my one critique from the last post was that I spent too much time laying out my parameters. Sorry. I’ll try and do better.

Now there are just a couple more defining purposes of marriage and I will hit them before moving on to the crux of what marriage is.  Take a look at this scripture from Ephesians:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy,  cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.-Paul the Apostle’s Letter to the Church in Ephesus, Chapter 5, vv 25-27

Now, I will use this chapter of Ephesians again so let’s get it right, shall we? Paul’s letter to the Ephesians on the whole, and in this chapter in particular is about the church with marriage as the teaching metaphor, but we can still learn a lot about what marriage is to be and how it’s done in this chapter.  One defining aspect of marriage is clear in these verses and I think speaks to believers and non-believers alike. We are to make our spouse a better person. Now Christians and folks of other or no faith will interpret the meaning of that statement differently, but I believe the ethic is a good, universal one: marriage is about making us better.

During my fourteen years of youth ministry, one consistent question I ask couples who were contemplating marriage was this, “Are you better as a couple than you are as two individuals?” And I should have asked, “Are you willing to accept the challenge of helping the love of your life become the best person they can be? And are you willing to let them challenge you to become the best person you can be?”  Answered honestly, those questions should provoke thought and consideration for those considering the leap of faith that is marriage.

For those of you who are looking for a spouse, don’t look for the person who makes you feel better but for the person who makes you want to BE better! And for those of us whom have already cast the die, how can I help my spouse be who they need to be? I can’t change anyone, but how can I encourage and challenge and cleanse them? And am I open to making the changes that they encourage in me? Am I accountable?

Of course, marriage is a subset of community, so these things apply first to the community, to the Church, but because of the heightened emotional interdependence and intimacy, in marriage it can be very difficult. In the end, however, it seems to be part of what makes a marriage real.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Marriage: A Definition, pt. 1

August 16, 2011 by jasynjonz

Wow, so, I gotta lotta cheek trying to define marriage! A few notes before we get really started. I’m not going to talk about homosexuality and marriage. I think the issue is so much larger, for Christians, that it’s not my place, as yet to address it. Is marriage a religious institution or a civic institution? That’s the question and it has plagued us for centuries because it has been both.  In America, for years that didn’t matter, but now it does. It’s silly really in a state where we recognize Common Law marriage and Justice of the Peace marriages as legitimate, they aren’t religious at all.  I think there is a place for both a civic marriage and a religious marriage in our culture and I think the implementation is easy, as is the practice.  I do think a Christian Marriage License should have no place for ‘no-fault’ divorce and I don’t care if it grants you any tax status, if you want the Government’s blessing, get a civic license and let Churches and Ministers decide who they will and won’t marry.  If Church and State are separate, our authority is separate.

Also, please note, I am not defining ‘family’ which is a much deeper and wider word than we credit as Christians.  Some of my brothers and sisters in Christ tried to define it a few years ago and alas, it turned out to be just more steps away from the Gospel of Grace, not deeper in. The culture we live in is the culture we live in and I would encourage you to read Jeremiah’s letter to the exiles in the 29th chapter of Jeremiah, vv 1-14 and heed his advice.  We cannot reach people that we have judged and condemned and God has placed us in this culture for the purpose of redemption not judgment.

So, without further discussion……

Marriage is first of all, a subset of community.  What I mean is this, God saw that Adam was alone and needed help. I don’t know what Adam was doing but God said, “The dude I made ain’t right. He needs a buddy.”  And so God made Eve. As different from Adam as the Moon from the Sun, and said here is your helper. Note that Eve was created first as a community, a helper, a companion, then as a wife.

Some of you will rebel at that thought, but consider. It is not God’s will that everyone marry, Jesus makes that plain here, as does Paul, here.  So, if Adam and Eve are simply married, doesn’t that set up a pattern that would be contradictory to these scriptures? By no means! When the Bible seems contradictory the contradictions are in us and our understanding. No, single folk are not second class citizens that can’t minister or be a part of regular church life like they are in so many traditional protestant church settings. Nor are married folk excluded from leadership and service at the highest levels as they are in Catholic settings. Marriage is a matter of calling, but community, the fellowship of souls is a matter of life and death. God built us all for community and some of us for marriage. And so, marriage is a subset of community, not the idol it has become in many Christian circles.

This brings up a couple of things and I will finish for today.  Because of the necessity of community, the invisible line we draw between singles and couples socially, intimately, and in almost every aspect of life must be erased. The line is false, my single intimate friends have things that I need and I have things in my life that they need.

Finally, marriage was not intended to meet all of the emotional and spiritual needs of the people involved. To say that implies a higher calling for single folks, which is not true. God gives us many people that we need and that need us in our journeys. So again, marriage is an intense form and subset of community.  Tomorrow I will continue defining marriage and move forward.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a Comment »

Older Posts »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 73 other followers